Getting through a combat.

I was oneirically thinking of flumping down the cliff and was inquisitive about whether my muscles ruptured or the mental anguish was an amended way to get out of the city of the damned. There’s a combat going in between my forebrain and hindbrain if the blackness would ever be lost far behind the jack-o’-lantern and if that betrays me, the sunshine would accompany. For this world is catastrophic and there’s resplendence only when we make way for it.


Broke or broken?

Why is the suffocation vellicating inside of me like the muscles forming a whorl. No blood pumping out but the wretchedness taking its toll. Is my fall from grace giving Mr unhinged feelings or the veins perturbing, vexing throughout this body. My eyes are draining water, making my face wet.

Is that what we call beingness?





I was stuck with my studies and exams and everything so I kinda missed writing. Everytime I would think that I should write and I was getting great ideas but as I saw my books and ideas faded away. I am finished with my exams and I will write as often as I can.

I just have this for now.

You’ve got your heart racing through like nothing can stop it, your mind running in a loop. You cannot help but imagine the happy moments spent and wish they could come back. You’ve been thinking and thinking. The room’s dark, you’ve turned out the lights but the darkness doesn’t let the panic soothe to let you sleep instead you get scared of what you’ll see in your dreams. You try to relish what you have had. In the morning, you don’t feel like doing anything and at night, you feel crushed by the feelings that gather on your chest like a heavy weight. You don’t know what this is all about. You feel happy but at the same time you want to slam your head against the wall as hard as you can. You’ve tried the best you could but maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe you got enough chances but you didn’t take any.

Maybe you are guilty for making things worse for you but things can get better. In the wake of misery there’s still light reaching upon and caressing your forehead and in all the fog built up in your mind, there’s still hope shining and battling it’s way through. All broken things cannot be mended easily but some things are worth the wait. Maybe you can pacify all the anger that has been building inside you and bring yourself everything you ever wished to be happy. That will be the day when you will feel that the best things in life are always worth the wait.

Better days.

I know that I’m not as active on this blog as I once was, I am just trying to figure my life out. The past few days have been good but I’m cursing myself more in the meanwhile. I am stuck in studies and can’t find a way through.
Sometimes, you just feel useless as you are not able to do anything right to your existence or the world that you live in. You are not that great in something anymore you thought was your passion. You try to study but just can’t keep it in your mind. The words leave a feeling of pain and nauseousness. You are rejoicing the fact that the surroundings have been good to you but you didn’t return the favour back. Maybe being nice will get me nowhere but what in the world will? I made some new friends who can make my pain go away and I love them for that. I was never better off on my own, I needed people in everything that I did. In the time being, I’ve come across one more thing that I’m doing lately, not caring a tad about the haters. They are just jealous of your smile.
I’ve found that listening to the old music I loved has been a convalescent for my body. I have built good memories in the past few years with those songs. Sometimes they make me remember some friends I’ve lost, sometimes they tell me about the good times and maybe sometimes about the people or things that made them good. I’ve had the some of the best days of my life in these few days.
Writing has made my world better. I never thought that it will heal my wounds so fast and make me a new person. I am a very shy person and don’t open up to people easily just because I think that some won’t be nice to me or some would judge me. Writing has made this fear go away. I have learnt that I will have to collect the pieces of every emotion I go through and make a world as beautiful as it is in my dreams. I have learnt to cherish everything and everyone I’ve got.
Maybe some day the misery that I’ve still kept aside in the corner of my mind will permanently go away. Maybe there are some people in the world who think that I’m the world to them. Maybe there’s something in store every soul who has lost his/her ability to live or live happily. The world is only better if we make it better. Maybe writing will transform every disability I have. Maybe someday I’ll die a happy person.

Three day challenge. #day3

Hey people, it’s day three and the last day for this. The quotes I picked up today are

  • We were the ones
    Walking through hell,
    Walking out of it distorted,
    Broken and with our heads on fire.
    The ones who died a little each day
    And had to learn how to
    Deal with it.
    The deranged.
    The confused.
    The lost and the forgotten.
    We were the ones
    They would call mad
    We were the fallen.
    The one’s who didn’t sleep
    And still, would dream
    The ones no one understood
    We were sinking into
    Each other,
    And no one knew how to save us
    We were the ones
    Who learnt how to love.
  • We come and we go but none of us stay still enough to find the words we are meant to say.

These are two amazing quotes written by R.M. Drake. He never fails to give me life through his words. He has been one of the inspirations in me writing.

There you go, challenge completed.

It was good to share some of my favorite quotes with you all.

Three day challenge. #day2

It’s day two of the three day challenge and I’ve chosen some quotes that I love through and through. I find it amusing that they inspire me and make me think otherwise.

  • Are you going to age with grace? Are you going to age without mistakes? Are you going to age with grace? Or only to wake and hide your face?

I don’t know how a song describes everything I feel in just 3 minutes. When you don’t want anybody to talk to anybody, you just hear the words from a good song and it gives you a direction.

  • You lean towards despair
    Any given opportunity you’re there
    But what is there to gain?
    When you’re always falling off the fence that way.


It’s funny how you can take out many meanings of a song and then compare it to your life. You will feel nostalgic sometimes. But, in the end they open up a world to you. A new world.

So, these were the lyrics from two great songs, “Oblivion” and “Overjoyed” by the band “Bastille.”

Do hear them singing. They don’t fail to inspire anytime I listen to them.

Three day challenge. #day1

Hey everyone,  so I’ve been nominated for the three day challenge. 

Thankyou so much nostalgicfallacies for nominating me. She has an amazing blog and is worth a read. 

Basically the rules say to:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you
  2. Post 1- 3 quotes in three consecutive days
  3. Nominate 3 bloggers

I’ve  chosen these three quotes which are taken from novels and songs that I really love and are somewhat close to my heart. 

  • But I’m not a compilation of symptoms. Not a casualty of shitty parents and even shittier chemical makeup. Not a problem.  Not a diagnosis.  Not an illness.  Not something to be rescued.  I’m a person. 
  • She is oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium andphosphorus. The same elements that are inside the rest of us, but I can’t help thinking she’s more than that and she’s got other elements going on that no one’s ever heard of, ones that make her stand apart from everybody else. I feel this brief panic as I think, What would happen if one of those elements malfunctioned or just stopped working altogether? I make myself push this aside and concentrate on the feel of her skin until I no longer see molecules but Violet.

These two quotes have been taken from the book “All the bright places” by Jennifer  Niven. It’s a really good book about two people who are trying to figure out the meaning of their lives while sorting each other’s lives. I’ll suggest y’all to read it. 

  • You smashed a glass into pieces  And that’s around the time I left  And you were coming across as clever   Then you lit the wrong end of your cigatette

These are the lyrics from the song “A change of heart” by The 1975. This song makes me fall for it everytime it is played. 

The people I’d like to nominate are-

Dead Inside.

It was years ago that I expressed my emotions to people. I cried at things that I regretted afterwards. I cried a lot. What does it matter if you whine Infront of people? Do they understand you? Does their presence make it any better? They might think that you are crying for a stupid reason and everything’s going to be alright in some time. The actual reason was always different. Nobody could think of what we were going through. Sharing wouldn’t help either. How is taking out all your frustration on others going to help? They can’t unriddle things out. Many will laugh it out. Many will fake mourning. That was when I decided to be stoical. I decided to be stone cold.
Everything was going around me, yet I didn’t show it. I went to school and laughed as much as I could. It was weird how some people still got to know that I was being fake. I was pretending to be impassive but deep underneath, I still cared. I showed my emotions only to my pillow when the lights went out. I waited for this time a lot as it was the only moment that I felt good. I felt nuclear winter for the rest of the day. It was just about being alive. Nothing inside me felt alive. I was dead inside. Sharing was an option but how much pain can you throw on a happy person’s face? How long will they sympathize you with their kind words? How long will they hold on for you if you don’t want to come out of your misery?
It’s only your choice to come out of the darkness that has been holding you back since so long. It’s your mind that can take you out of the trashy situation. Remember that there will be someone to help you only if you want to be helped. One day you’ll find happiness in everything you see, every smiling face you see, in the fact that you can see. In the fact that you can hear and the fact that you can feel. One day, you’ll feel treasured by the memories you’ve created and will create. One day, you’ll feel happiness again and it will be worth all the while.

The beautiful game.

It doesn’t matter how much you hate a person, when you watch football all the fans come together. Their blood pumps together, their heart beats together. No matter how poor or rich you are, it connects us all. It’s inspiring how a goal can create so much agony or joy for many people at once. It’s heart melting to see our club win something. It’s heartbreaking to see our favorite player getting injured. It’s like an injury to our body, we feel hurt.
We sit on our couch, we won’t move or something bad will happen. We don’t blink, we are frozen. We stay as we are. Our hearts are beating faster with every breath we take. We breathe, we can hear the sound of silence. We hear it. It echoes throughout our hollow skull. The blood pumps faster and we are cold as ice. When the opponent does a foul, we shout even when we are alone. We are more loyal to our football clubs than anybody else. We don’t feel sleepy even if we have to watch a match at 3 in the morning. We wait for a week for a match and it feels like decades. Our clubs holding a trophy and seeing them happy is the best feeling in the world for a football junkie. It is called the beautiful game and it is beautiful. It’s beautiful because you forget about all your worries, all your frustrations, all your wrath for someone or something while you are watching it. Nothing’s more important.

This is how I feel as a football junkie. I feel happy. I feel content. I feel all the emotions at once. It’s the beautiful game and it will remain beautiful forever.images

Unheard-of feeling. 

What is this feeling about? There’s a burst of euphoria in my mind but I still feel a tad of sadness. My head is filled with thoughts and there’s heftiness like something heavy is kept upon it but I feel like dancing anyway. I feel like finally a bit of misery is being kicked away, far away from me. And, it’s for the first time. 

I always try to find something pretty in nature when looking outside the window,  but today I can’t.  The view is picturesque but this is the first time my elation seems better than anything else.  I see the skies,  the roads,  the trees. I try to read the book that I love reading but I just can’t seem to remember what’s  happening to the protagonist and the other characters.  I scratch my head in confusion, my eyes are shining bright. I hear voices that sound so pleasant, I don’t feel like shutting my ears.  The feeling that you want to jump up above as high as possible and don’t feel like coming down. I don’t know what is happening to me but I know that this is the first time I’m feeling this way. 

Stars make us who we are.

It’s truly a pleasant experience when we are heart broken but lay under the stars and pour our heart out to them. They don’t judge us nor do they be ruthful towards us but somehow they manage to make us feel better just by a slight sight. Their magnificence is conveyed by their twinkling. They shine bright but don’t blind us by their lustre. I used to confess all my dreams to the stars lying in the dark night which was illuminated by them. I don’t know why but they really inspire me. They inspire me to shine without any fair complexion or without being a know-it-all or being the brightest.

Three years ago, I left my home, my city and maybe my happiness too. I left somebody who had been the closest to me in my hour of need and in my happiness. We never knew we can fall apart so far off that it would be difficult for anyone to collect the pieces and make something out of them. We shared our jokes, our crushes, our boneheadedness, our woes, our sufferings, our food with each other. We talked all day in school, make fun of many but it wasn’t enough. So, we talked on the phone for hours as well. We could make each other laugh just by our expressionless shitty faces and make the moment memorable. We would hate the same people, love the same people, our friendship was unbreakable. We had fights that ended the same day or the same hour. We had fights because of our gooselike behavior. Once we had a fight which lasted days but somehow we managed to breakthrough. I remember the last time we saw each other was when we had one of our exams. Many people asked me why I was so depressed that day. I never answered, who are they to ask anyway?
I told her that I’ll be leaving town in some days, I didn’t even know when I was leaving. She thought that I was joking but I wasn’t. I just thought of a miracle to happen but it never did. The next day when we met, she asked me again if what I said to her was true, I said yes. She was really disgusted by me that she pushed me, but as a goodbye, a last friendly push she could manage. We drifted apart and went to our houses. I got calls from her asking questions but I broke down on the line. We had our social studies exam as the next and we were calling each other to make funny stories about the old-age rulers so that we could learn better. I never wanted to leave between the exams, I was a bright student. I just studied on the last day and got really good marks. She went for the exam, I never did, I wasn’t prepared for it either.
I and my family were traveling to some other place by road. We stopped at some hotel to rest, that was when I called her. I called her up but hung up shortly as I just wanted to hear my best friend’s voice. The moment was not right for explanations. After some days, I explained her about what went wrong but she wasn’t listening. We somehow managed to be friends again but not the same way. There came a day when I cut all connections from everyone in that city. I thought that I had nothing to share with them except my misery. I thought slowly and gradually we’ll become redundant. I spent two years like that while people messaged my sisters to ask me to talk at least once. I wouldn’t listen to them. I had become stone-hearted. I just wanted to be alone. I had the taste of suicidal in my mouth but I was too afraid to accomplish my desires. I got moving texts but I wasn’t willing to reply to any.
One day, I decided that it was high time and I should reply to someone who was hurting so bad. I replied and she was over the moon.
Though we talk now, not for a long time but for some time, it isn’t the same as it was before. We truly have become redundant and too soaked up in our lives now.

The inclusion of stars in this post is really weird but they played a part in my life when I was looking for some direction, when I couldn’t share my true feelings with others, they helped. They invigorated me to do what is right. They came to my aid. I was clueless for what this useless life holds for me but they made me learn how to to breathe again. They made me feel good.